(no subject)

Hey, this is a non-friends post. As such, it is directed towards people who are not in my friends list, so just bear that in mind.

Do not fucking ask my friends what I post about. You are not on my friends list. My friends list is protected because you are not going to read it. Trying to spy on me behind me back and using devious means is just plain disgusting, so stop. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. And if my business is SO interesting to you, then ask me to my FACE instead of begging mutual friends to spy on me.

Melissa out.

On Being a Hero

Last weekend, Nate went to Minneapolis. Some guy was evidently handing out business cards advertising himself as an "everyday super-hero." He would just go around and try to do genuinely nice and helpful things for everyone; his mantra was something to the effect of: "if everyone was an everyday super-hero, we wouldn't need policemen."

I love this idea, but there is an inherent flaw to it. That flaw comes in the recent trend of self-esteem and the idea of everyone as "unique snowflakes." This causes us to believe that our own selves are the only ones we can rely on and that everyone else be damned. No one will go out of their way to help their fellow man.

I have two examples to support this:

1. Today I was walking around campus with my shoes that are too big. I tripped a bit and fell forward, almost landing on my face. I was surrounded by people. No one hardly even looked up.

2. About four years ago, I got in a car accident in the middle of an intersection. It was 5:00 on a Tuesday evening. There were at least thirty cars witness to this. No one stopped.

In order for this hopeful "everyday super-hero"'s idea to work, society would have to get over this "me, me, me" philosophy and focus just a little bit more on other people - and not just their friends or celebrities or whoever they're trying to butter up that week. But the common man. And this isn't even a principle that would need to be universally adopted. We would just need a good chunk of everyday mankind to be a little bit less of a dick every day.

How do we accomplish this? It's not even that hard. Just be a good person. Walk with your head up and fucking smile at people. Help someone when they trip. When some guy is carrying heavy groceries, offer to hold the door or carry a bag or two. Stop and introduce yourself to the old lady next door - she's probably super-nice and can tell you great stories about when she was a cocktail waitress. Give someone a goddamn compliment.

Do any of these sound like super-hard things to do? No. No, they fucking don't. Yes, I'm a bitch sometimes, but I can manage to be patient and polite at Target and I can offer to help someone at work move three boxes down the hall. It is not that hard at all.

(no subject)

From impensada. I've done similar things in the past, though.

Step 1: Put your music player on random.
Step 2: Post the first line (I'm doing a variation that includes the entire first stanza, though) from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
(Comments in parantheses are not part of lyrics, but my own personal comments.)

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Letter to Mr. Dikko

So, with much thought and deliberation, I've decided to write back to Mr. Dikko. Here is what I've composed. Should I send it? He's promised me a generous sum of money and I really feel like I can trust him. He seems like a fair man, incapable of lying through email. Let me know what you think.


Mr. Dikko:

Your offer was intriguing. How flattered was I to learn that, out of millions upon millions of Yahoo! users, you chose my alias "smiley7654" from when I was in seventh grade! Wow, even then I must have broadcast a sense of maturity and responsibility. All my therapists were wrong. Wait until I tell them that a banker in Ougadougou trusts me above everyone else on the planet as the sole receptor of the American equivalent of one year's salary. Won't they be red in the face!

Additionally, I was shocked to hear that Mr. Yuan-dong had passed in a "gassy car accident." This saddened me greatly, especially since I couldn't recall ever hearing of a Chinese relative - let alone hope to pronounce his name. But I guess, according to what is clearly exhaustive genealogical research on your part, I have some Chinese blood in me! Maybe the good folks at Great Hunan's will give me a discount the next time I eat there, if I only tell them that I'm "one of them." I will get free egg rolls for life!

Mr. Dikko, I also wish to bring up a "proposition" - excuse the pun. Since you will be receiving 60% of the money, and I will be receiving 40%, wouldn't it be much more beneficial if we got married and then we could share the money? Just imagine the homes we could buy for $9.8 million dollars! Why, we could put wood panelling on our double-wide trailer and put a singing-fish-on-a-plaque in every room - that's right, both of them, including the bathroom! Let me know if you are indeed interested in taking a bride.

I was also heartened by your assurance that this is "100% legitimate." Those odds are good enough for me! This means that there is no risk whatsoever and that I should send you all of my credit information immediately. Since you are such a trusting person, I should be able to mimic such an attitude and trust you as well. Soon I will send you along my account number and password, because this will allow you the most convenient access. When you open my account, do not be alarmed by the red numbers - I just bought shoes last week and this has caused me to be in debt several thousand dollars. But I doubt that matters. The money you promised me will more than make up for it, and then I can buy several more pairs of shoes, and maybe a tiny dog. I can't wait!

Thank you for a wonderful opportunity!

~ Melissa Relbik

(See, what I did there - is flip around my last name. Wow, I'm so clever.)

(no subject)

Hey guys, I came across an email today that might allow me acquire $9.8 million dollars. I could really use the money, and Mr. Dikko here sounds like a pretty up-and-up person. I think I can trust him.

I'm especially heart-broken that Mr. Yuan-dong has perished in "a gassy car accident." I think that if I were to die, I would not want it to be in a gassy way. My heart goes out to him.

Also, Mr. Dikko says that he obtained my "impressive information" via a Yahoo! search. Wow, that's pretty incredible. He found me on Yahoo! See, normally I wouldn't be one to trust a search engine that provided me with a random name of a random person, but I can see that Mr. Dikko is a very trusting person. He must have a heart of gold.

I am also awed by the fact that Mr. Dikko is concerned about causing raised eyebrows at his work. Now we all know that I'm not one to ruffle any feathers and that I like to maintain a comfortable level of invisibility. Therefore, you can understand my heightened level of respect for Mr. Dikko, who is unwilling to cause his coworkers' faces to alter in any way.

Mr. Dikko assures me also that this is 100% risk free. Wow, do I like those odds! Often, I believe that there is some margin of error when entering into any "sketchy" business deal, but since there is no margin of error at ALL in Mr. Dikko's plan, I am convinced that this isn't a sketchy business deal at all! He must be completely legitimate!

I really think I should contact him. What do you guys think? He's awaiting my "hansom reply" so please be quick in your comments.


Dear Friend,
I am MR UMARU DIKKO the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of Bank Of Africa(BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West-Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person Mr.Sheu Yuan-dong who died on February 16, 2000 in a gassy car accident with his entire family on there way back from Bobo Delaso the formal capital city of Burkina-Faso, and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development.

The said amount was U.S $9.8M (Nine million eight hundred United States dollars). As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through yahoo search on foreign business relations here in Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso.

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bona fide next of kin to the deceased, to get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit
your self to this great business opportunity.

In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant (A Banker),we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank.

This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as gratification, while 60% will be for me. Please, you have been advised to keep "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you.

I look forward to receive your hansom reply via this email address below. Yours faithfully,
Oven Mitt

Canadian Humor, eh?

Yes, so apparently Canadian satire is rapidly on the "out" due to tentative humorists hiding from the big, bad corporate and political wolves threatening to literally sue the pants off them, should they even sort of commit libel. This is pretty depressing, as Canadian humor used to be hilarious - watch Kids in the Hall. While Americans have The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and other such satirical shows with the solitary aim of poking fun at the absurdity of America in and of itself, Canadians apparently must exist without this liberty.

Bob Kerr says, “If we had that kind of power and could dance along merrily as we pleased, I think the comedy scene as far as satire goes would be a lot more popular here."

I find this all rather depressing, as I really respect Canada. I think we're missing out on a lot of great humor because of such libel and slander suits. Damn.

Anyway, the article that this came from is here, on the interwebs and details just why Canadian humor can't - and is not allowed to - measure up to American humor. It's kind of a depressingly humorous article.